January 22, 2008

2008: Quest for Love Comfort

Thoughts, tips and experiences in living with MS and the Swank Diet.
By Rosamaria Sagastume




My health has been affected by my recent emotional and spiritual growth. Don't get me wrong, I'm not joining a convent or having visions of moving to Tibet any time soon. What has happened is that I am as close as I have been in years to accepting the fact that I am in a relationship. It still frightens me as the last person who I allowed to enter my life turned out to be a mistake. And yes, I still wonder, what will Wind Horse do if I ever had another exacerbation of the magnitude of my first? Can he support me emotionally, spiritually, financially? I'd love to say "yes, of course he can" to all of those questions but I know that is not true at this moment. I would love to say, "It doesn't even matter, I support, care, and love myself enough to not need him there to fill any of those slots." I am bound by my choice to fend for myself and yet, now that I am in a relationship, I expect certain things. I expect to share responsibilities and since this is not possible, I am pressured into a corner and I do not like being cornered.

"Certain things" are not fulfilled in this relationship and it keeps my emerging heart at bay. My heart has been on the dock for one year with Wind Horse and it is getting tired on several occasions. My motor pumps, the love wants to dart into the vast ocean and it cannot. It remains, motor running, and anchored at bay. Until everything I need is fulfilled, my heart remains a child with an encyclopedia of information on how to give and receive love. I'm learning so much information and I am not allowed to truly express it, or truly appreciate it as this relationship has more of its share of stomach churning dives into abysmally unstable waters.

I have a lot of pressure as a woman with MS who doesn't tell the world, or her immediate family or friends about her tingling hands, the legs that want to collapse after a day of standing and walking, the mind that loses track and finds it a challenge to focus. Wind Horse is a great distraction from my MS until it comes time for me to decide between sleeping and making him happy. I've lost a lot of sleep again and it's not healthy, as we know. I truly enjoy spending time with him, and when it comes time to going to bed, I wish I didn't have to, so I stay up, and when I have to certainly go to bed, I tell him it's time for me to sleep. I'm usually responded with a grunt and regardless of how noticeable it may or may not be, I end up feeling guilty. I feel like he is "put out" for having to deal with a woman who needs to get to bed and who honestly doesn't get more than 6 hours of sleep per night. Then I start thinking about the possibility of getting an exacerbation and how he might respond to it and it scares me.

Men have pretended to care in the past but when faced with having to deal with a woman who cannot feel intercourse after an exacerbation, or cannot have her body touched as that would inflict severe pain on all her flesh, they tend to change. I am not putting Wind Horse in this box, I am just protecting myself from ever letting anyone have such an influence on me again until I truly feel that all areas of my life are overflowing with comfort and safety. Though with Wind Horse, I would welcome the opportunity for him to have that influence on me. As stated, there are several "certain things" that are missing and I do not want anyone else to come into my life and hand me those things that are missing. It's up to him to step up to the plate and spring training is just around the corner. Let's not forget how I absolutely love baseball. I'm ready to see him impress me like never before. After one year of knowing Wind Horse, I realize that my time is limiting me. How long am I to wait until my heart gets tired and realizes, it's been sending out love, but not to its full capacity to express it? Doesn't it seem logical that I will run out of time and get tired of training my love for a marathon that may never happen?

My health has improved this month. I am stronger, ready to take on new challenges professionally and in my friendships, relationships. I'm trying new things which I never though I would ever do (more to come on that after this weekend). I am going to be a hugger on Sunday. Yes, a hugger. I will be at Astor Place ready to hug strangers for free. I have my sign ready to go and FREE HUGS will be available at 2pm care of a few positive human beings. This year is a winner. My creativity is swelling with passion and my heart is finding an outlet in investing in my personal achievements. I will achieve things that will blow my mind. Wind Horse will hit a grand slam and make me proud and I can calm the neurosis which aide and ale me in my quest for love comfort. This is the year I find that safety again.

Back to top